why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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