he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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