what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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