He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
