my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
