Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
