Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
