I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
