the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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