Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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