Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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