is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
