I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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