How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Someone came in the potted fern
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
