I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
