Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
