Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Will exercising make me less horny?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
