I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
