there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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