batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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