Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
