just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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