That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
