Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
