Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
