I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
