so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
