I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
