Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
