Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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