so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
