you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
