shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
