I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
