if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
