i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
