no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
