Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
