I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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