my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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