Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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