If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
