I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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