you would pick up someone in the library
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
