I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
