I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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