Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I got inside last night via doggy door
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
