I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
