i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
