Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
