you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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